‘Bridesmaiding’ is not a passive job

Some women are born to bridesmaid. They probably started planning their own birthday parties at age 3, and then their friends’ at age 5, and enjoy the girly stuff to the max. Pink nail polish, spa days, cute dresses … meanwhile, I’m not sure if I have clean socks to wear tomorrow.

I’ve turned the word bridesmaid into a verb because I refuse to “be a bridesmaid.” It’s not a passive job.

Although my tendency toward last-minute planning affects even my clean sock count, maybe that’s exactly why my name seems to be on some previously unknown list of “best people to ask to be your bridesmaid.” I don’t really have premonitions of how weddings should go – I listen to what the bride wants. Maybe I’m on the list because I’m reliable and relatively drama-free. Or maybe I just have close friends and a sister who all happened to find their “Mr. Rights” at the same time. Or maybe it’s some mix of the three.

Whatever the reason, apparently I’m good at it. The day after I was assigned this column, I even received an email from a college friend containing a picture of her hand with – you guessed it – a brand new shiny ring on it. Accompanying the photo – the question of the season.

At the ripe “old” age of 24, having been asked to bridesmaid in four weddings, I already see that weddings are more complex than they were a few decades ago. The weddings themselves are bigger, the planning more elaborate, and the hiring of planners to bear some of the organizational burden is much more commonplace.

So what changed?

According to an article on the website for an online talk show titled “Weddings for a Living,” it started with a royally lavish wedding display in 1981 between two people we all know very well: Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer. This, the author writes, paired with Jennifer Lopez’s glamorized depiction of wedding planning in “The Wedding Planner,” catalyzed the wedding planning process to what it is today: a big sparkly mess (though the trick is you can’t tell it’s a mess).

As a result, bridesmaids have to be up for anything. While the choices couples can make in creating their wedding are growing, so is the role of the bridesmaid. As a matter of fact, most brides I know don’t really know what to do with us. Sometimes we’re just there for a bachelorette event, sometimes a bridal shower. Sometimes we’re expected to help with the planning. Sometimes we’re asked to help choose the dress, sometimes we’re not. But with all the change, one thing remains the same: we’re there to support the bride when she needs us.

When I was first asked to be a bridesmaid, I sensed the dawn of a bridesmaiding era; many of my romantically committed friends, including my own big sister, started speaking more frequently about the prospects of their own engagements. Pictures on social media started showing more and more ornamented hands, along with pictures of smiling couples with “save the date!” captions and requests for recommendations of caterers and photographers.

There is a silver lining to all this bridesmaiding and to waiting a little longer than some of my peers to get married. I have observed from a distance what works and what doesn’t, and therefore I get the benefit of making an informed decision if and when my own day comes. This isn’t a principle confined to marriage. Having kids, choosing schools, retirement, and whatever other milestones you pass along the way – from my perspective these decisions can all benefit from a preview of others’ decisions.

ARIEL BROTHMAN is a freelance writer who lives in Wrentham, Massachusetts.