No Longer In the Middle

My mother died in April. I was there for her in those last few days, sitting by her bedside. During her last day, she was in a coma, but I think she could hear me. The sun set slowly as a shadow was cast on her picture on the wall. I felt her spirit depart this world to join my father, stepfather, my two brothers and my sister, as well as her parents and her own brothers and sisters.

I am the last one left from my family of origins. I have my daughter and grandson but they live in Florida and are leading their own lives. I, myself, have moved from Rhode Island to Long Island nearly four years ago. All these changes have taken a toll on me and how I live.

My boyfriend, with whom I live, and I have no family to celebrate the holidays with. We just have ourselves. We sometimes skip certain holidays and opt to go to the movies. For Hanukkah, I simply light the Menorah. There is no gift exchange. For Thanksgiving, we eat our meal in front of the television.

We do get to travel quite a bit, especially in the winter. We will be going on a cruise to the Bahamas next month. Last year, we went to Hawaii and the year before that we were in Las Vegas.

There is the rare visit with our families. We have flown to Florida to see my daughter and grandson and we have driven to Buffalo to see my boyfriend’s family. But that is a far cry from what Jewish tradition has been for me. I was the hands-on mother; I was the one who made sure my mother had what she needed after my stepfather died. I was the center of the family.

But, I am not complaining. Change happens to us all and we have to decide how to change with it. I admit that the process has been slow for me to change. I am not completely adjusted to life on Long Island. I do belong to a synagogue here and to a second generation Holocaust group, but I have no close friends here of yet.

I am finally at the point of volunteering. I am considering volunteering at Hospice. And I might be finally open to other possibilities.

I know my role in life is very different from what it was five years ago and I accept that. I have to learn not to be in the middle anymore. I am on the sidelines now. But in another five years, I will be yet at another point in my life.

I celebrate my past accomplishments, but I must move bravely forward to my future. Whatever it becomes is up to me.

Cindy Halpern (CHalpern13@aol.com) is a former social worker from Rhode Island.